Professional Tips From a Certified Unprofessional

1. - Poop before you take a shower. Pooping after a shower makes it difficult to wipe.
2. - Never poop in the shower.
3. - If you do poop before your shower, turn on the shower first so it's nice and warm by time you're done pooping.
4. - Take long showers. Use that time to think of all the things you need to do.
5. - Shave while you're in the shower.
6. - You don't need a new towel every time you shower. You were clean when you used it the last time, remember?

- #SocialMovementsMustHaveAHashtag
- No matter what quirks you have, there is always a scientific study that says that it is a sign of being intelligent

More to come

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"The Knot Ties From Both Ends" - Adam Rooster Handy

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And WTHR is false

dear readers that are just randomly coming by my blog (cause i have no subscribers) this post is in response to a post by one of my local news stations.
http://www.wthr.com/story/19796390/the-harmful-effects-of-hookah
the post is titled "The harmful effects of hookah"

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my response to the article is below
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wow I'm offended and highly annoyed... this is what i love about people who try and pull out facts about hookah let me quote you from your own misguided post

"A typical one-hour hookah session involves inhaling 100 to 200 times the volume of smoke inhaled from a single cigarette. That's according to studies cited by the CDC."

you are comparing "ONE HOUR" against "ONE CIGARETTE". that is in NO WAY a controlled test... obviously youre going to get more smoke from that cause you are smoking more tobacco.. thats just one thing from that quote that is misleading

if you take a liter of smoke from a cigarette and a liter from hookah, you will see that there is FAR less toxins in the hookah smoke.
shisha (the name of the tobacco for hookah) has no extra additives its just the plant and a flavored molasses. most brands of shisha wash their tobacco which lowers the content of nicotine. the average cigarette has 5% nicotine in it, the average  hookah has .05% which is a HUGE difference.

on top of all that there is no chemical additives to typical shisha unlike cigarettes that have a list of over 500 additives
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_additives_in_cigarettes

the average smoker smokes a pack a day, the average hookah smoker doesnt even smoke every day. someone like me that is an above average hookah smoker will smoke an hour a day, rarely do people smoke more than that a day.


dear WTHR news... get your facts straight before you post an article... oh thats right, facts are something from the past when news companies were actually respectful.

Dear Target.com

Dear target
I never plan on shopping online with you again... probably never going to your store again... I’m generally a very patient person, but it has run out.... I pre-ordered this game on the 26th of OCTOBER....the first thing you did was charge me twice, so I had to call up and get one of them taken care of. Second when you pre order this game you get what’s called early game access which lets you gain access to the game before its released but only for a few days... you were supposed to send me that code with my receipt... when I asked about it a week later you told me it isn’t something you do and that I had to talk to the game company…. So I talk to them and they tell me no that is something you (as in target) is supposed to take care of…. Keep in mind all this was in October…

I didn’t get my pre order access code till December just a week before I could use the access code… now I was happy to receive my access code in time to play BUT there was one problem… YOU (as in target) sent me a CODE that SOMEONE ELSE already USED…. Yes you sent me a code I couldn’t use cause someone had already used it… what the hell am I supposed to do with a code that is already used? so I thought about messaging you again to get a new code… but then it hit me… you aren’t reliable so I would probably be waiting a week just to hear back from you… so I decided to message the game makers again and see if they could help me… luckily for me they just sent me a new one without a problem…

So here I am playing the game a few days before it is released on the 20th of December… everything is fine at this point… the 20th rolls around and I start checking my email for the notification from you that the game has been shipped…. 20th no email…. 21st no email and they stop early game access and make it so only people with a product registration can play…. 22nd no email…. And then comes the 28th and I receive a notification saying that my order has been delayed, well no shit I can already tell that. I read further down and you tell me that my order won’t be shipped till the 9th… are you serious the 9th? That is 3 weeks after the release date…

Well like I said I’m patient, but here I am on the 9th as in TODAY… and still no notification…. Get your shit together and send my order or I’m canceling my 160$ order and going to Wal-Mart… and when I say send me my order, I don’t mean next week.. I mean overnight that on your own dime… I don’t care if you have to hand deliver it to me yourself at 4AM because this is fucking stupid. You have done nothing but fuck up my order since day one and I’m a little pissed off now.

Isn’t your motto expect more pay less? I do expect more… WAY more considering you’re a corporation... worst customer service and no customer satisfaction. And how am I paying less? I'm paying just as much here as anywhere else… try changing it to – pay the same with a headache

I hope you had some happy fucking holidays slacking off
Adam
P.S……… oh and fuck you

Phone posting

I know you guys are thrilled, I can now post anywhere. Just downloaded the phone app for blogger.

Google Shopping Fail

while i was searching for a new jacket i noticed the same pages kept popping up randomly... google apparently doesnt want me to find a jacket easily 

Click the picture to enlarge

Democratic Parking Only

This all started when my friend lauren posted a picture of someone parking to close to where she cant get in on the driver side... now lauren and i have known each other for quite a a few years so i know her fairly well and she knows i joke around a lot.... i also know she helped out in the democratic party for awhile and is very in to politics... so i did what i normally do and i made a joke.... this one turned out pretty good even tho lauren never even responded 

 

 Click picture to enlarge